Look At My Bum

Hi there,

First of all, I'm sorry about the timing of recent events (emails, phone calls), but timing was never our thing anyway. No surprise there! I had no idea that my weekend would be dominated by my visit to the doctors office.

You may recall that I've been meaning to get this cancer screening for years because it sounded awful and it's recommended for men way older than I am. However, my Dad and his brother, my Uncle Bill, were both diagnosed with colon cancer in their lives to my doctor has been bugging me for years to get myself checked out. I've scheduled it multiple times in the past two years, but cancelled each time because, well, it sucks. Now I know. It sucks! I scheduled this one over a month ago and as time grew closer I said "ah, to hell with it, let's just get this over with."

So all day on Thurday I'm allowed NO food and only water, chicken broth, Jell-0 that isn't red (I don't know why) and apple juice. By 2pm on Thursday I was one irratable mother fucker. Work sucked that damned day. By the time 6pm rolled around, I was getting headaches and feeling feint. On top of that, I had to pound a liter of this stuff called "Moviprep" which makes you live in the bathroom for about an hour. I know what it's like to pee sitting down now! You poor women. Then I had to pound another liter at 9pm. That wasn't so bad since I was just about brain dead anyway. Once midnight rolled around, I wasn't allowed even a sip of water. Funny thing was that I didn't have a horrible night. I actually slept for a few hours which is more than usual these days. Weird.

I didn't work on Friday, obviously, and that's why I didn't get your voice mail until today. The receptionist, surprise, surprise, didn't tell you that I was out. At the time you left that voice mail, I was likely sitting in a waiting room thinking, "Dude, I hope there's an earthquake soon...."

They called my name at 9am and here we go. I go into the room and it was like a MASH unit in a makeshift hospital in Korea or something. There must have been 10 guys in there, all way older than I am, either recovering or getting prepped for having a camera stuck in their sheeshpees. Two nurses come over to me and verify my name, something they would do 4 more times because I guess they don't want to mix up our anuses like babies in a newborn ward of a hospital. I mean, babies all look the same just like our rear ends. "Yeah, I'm Steven!" Then they make me put on a gown with nothing else on except my socks. Talk about uncomfortable. "Do I have to leave my socks on?!?!?" That's more embarrassing than the damned camera! They kept asking me what I was doing there because I'm way too young for this crap. I explained that my father and uncle were diagnosed years ago so my doctor told me to do this, but I just thought that I'm here already so let's just do it anyway. Fire up the ass camera! Cheese!

One of the things I noticed as soon as I got in the room, the most humorous part of this endeavor, was that everyone was farting like it was a Saturday Night Live skit! FFffffftttt. Every 45 seconds, there was a blast so loud that it would have made any teenager proud. Y'know, the kind a 14 year old kid loves to blast in front of his friends at school. Well, maybe that doesn't quite ring a bell for you, but dudes like to fart. It's like lifting weights or something. "Yeah, check this out...." It was comedy, but I was also worried that I was going to be doing that and creating more work for the nurses if you know what I mean.

They wheel me into the room on a gurney like I'm heading to some major surgery or something, but then I've never really been in a hospital so I guess this is routine for any procedure or surgery. I don't know. By the time the doctor came to talk to me, I was just about passed out because they started some heavy doses of Demerol and something else that's supposed to make me forget the excitement that lay ahead.

The next thing I know, I'm yelling out answers to questions that I thought were being asked of me. I was dead, but my brain was going crazy. I was riding horses through the wild west and talking to a bunch of dudes who looked like they were from the 1800's or the Civil War. Demerol rocks! I was totally laid out back in the same spot I was before I was wheeled into the camera room. I was having wild dreams and woke up about 8 times to find out that I was yelling out loud for everyone to hear, but there wasn't anyone standing there next to me. I was on my side facing a curtain that I could have sworn was riding a horse with me and Indiana Jones! It was disappointing to wake up and realize I'm an idiot yelling at nothing, but I would quickly fall asleep and do it all over again. It was quite an adventure and I have no idea how long this process went on. I could have been there for two hours riding horses and fighting for the Union in the war. I guess the nurses are used to this because none of them came over to talk to me (that I'm aware of) until I finally came to enough to turn on my back and face front. Once I did that, there were people all over the place.

I was so groggy at this point that I wasn't ready to talk to anyone, but did I feel good. It was really hard to put thoughts into words, though. I know what it's like to speak with a studder or have cerebral palsy where you can't speak what your brain is thinking. This is not a good time for the doctor to come over and tell you the results of your test, but there he was telling me that I was fine and they found nothing. Surprise, surprise. I guess I really didn't need to do all this but I'm glad I did. It's just been on the "to do" list for so long that I needed to cross it off.

And, yes, I did let some serious gas go. It was so cool to be a part of a SNL skit, but I was too drugged up to even care. I guess they pump you full of air so the camera can see stuff, but you have to push it out when it's all over. Imagine a room full of ten men all farting repeatedly. I won't soon forget that part! Luckily for the nurses, none of us had eaten in 24 hours. Sorry to bring this up, but it was all part of the day!

I drove home.....joking!, but I was out of commission for the rest of the day. I watched TV and got to eat, but funny thing was that I wasn't too hungry. I suspect the drugs threw off my hunger pains or brain signals. I did want a beer though. Weird, huh?

I was laid out for the rest of the day and I suspect that I slept for a good 16 or so hours. I watched some TV, but I don't remember what I watched. It was a really quick day once the drugs took over. I woke up on Saturday and wasn't in any shape to do much. I had planned to go to the gym to try to work some of this off, but as soon as I stood up I realized that wasn't going to happen. I spent the day with friends and family coming and going and that's why I couldn't talk to you. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but once word got out, I heard from everyone as if I had just had open heart surgery or something.

I wasn't on my phone very much, but I did check it to see if you had called. It sucked because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to you. I don't talk to anyone about all of this stuff because I know you don't want me to. Nobody knows that I still talk to you. Believe it or not, it's to protect me too. People don't understand my position just as they don't understand yours, either. I respect that and I understand it so when you called, there was no way I could get on the phone with you, but you can bet I wasn't happy about it. I hated that I had missed you. I'm guessing you were wondering what the hell was going on since I wasn't saying anything especially after my last email.

Moral of the story:  I have a perfect butt.